Breathless
by Laurie is me
Summary: Xander can't take the responsibility of being part of the Scoobies anymore. Set in the Sunnydale High years, with BX undertones.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Breathless

Author: Laurie is me a.k.a. revolution25(on livejournal)

Rating: PG-13 (adult themes)

Spoilers: Written for the Sunnydale High years, not specific beyond that.

Summary: Xander has a crisis of faith and Buffy helps him through it. Based of the song 'Reluctant man' but it's NOT a song fic, the lyrics will not be showing up in the story.

**Breathless Chapter 1**

Xander wasn't ready for any of this. He wanted to help, because it had affected him personally, his friend had been put in danger and he would do anything to help him. But it was too late, and now for some reason he chose to stay and help Buffy fight the 'good fight.'

Xander stood in his bathroom trying to look into the image he saw there, trying to figure out what he had become. He looked down to his torso and gingerly touched his ribs that were now covered in dried blood. Out on patrol tonight he had been hurt, bad. He was sure a rib or two was cracked, but he said nothing and just buttoned up his peacoat so no one could see the blood as they continued on their patrol.

They couldn't know how hurt he was because he needed them to think he could handle it. But the truth was that he couldn't. He was fighting because it was right, but it was a fight he was never ready for. He felt as if he were loosing himself each night they patrolled or researched the next demon that was killing the student body. His jokes and goofing off covered up the fact that he was really hurt. It had always worked. It worked with his parents, with the teachers at school, even with Willow. Sometimes he wondered if she would still be his friend if she knew that he wasn't so happy go lucky, that on the inside it felt as if he were drowning, gasping for what little air was left.

As he looked at his ribs he never felt more like a boy in a man's body. He felt as if his skin didn't fit, as if what was underneath wasn't ready to wear it. He wasn't ready. He couldn't do this.

He was gasping but no air was coming.

He took the wet washcloth that was sitting in the sink and lightly tried to get off the blood. He began to cry from the pain to his ribs or the pain he felt inside he didn't rightly know, most likely both.

This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to coast through high school and get a job that helped no one, then die with not many people caring. Now his life centered around evil. He was still a 'nobody' that few people cared about, that's what was so frustrating. Everyone else had a destiny, a secret about them that made them great, that made them worth something.

He wasn't meant to fight like this; it wasn't his fight. Why did everyone expect him to do it? Why did everyone just expect to see him across from them studying on Fengori demons? Why couldn't they see he wasn't ready for this, that he was weak and he had nothing to offer them?

He looked back at his reflection, red eyes stared back at him, the dried blood was mostly gone but there were traces of red from where the blood wasn't totally cleaned off.

This wasn't him, this wasn't his fight, he wasn't ready for any of this; it was killing him from the inside out.

Beside the others he felt like nothing, and now he wished he couldn't feel anything. He had to back out. He needed to tell them he couldn't do this anymore, and that he was just going back to being nothing, fighting for nothing.

The next day at school Xander avoided Buffy and Willow, it wasn't that difficult, he just steered clear of the library. During classes he sat where all the desks around him were occupied, wore headphones before class, and gave his full attention to the teachers when they were speaking. The only time that he had to go out of his way to hide was during lunch, and then he had to eat down in the boiler room.

Either the boiler room was a great hiding place, or no one was looking for him. Either way just to be safe after school he hid in the woods, somewhere no one would look for him.

He wouldn't have to keep this up for long, he figured he would have to do this for a week, by then they would get the hint without him having to tell them he was a big fat scaredy-cat.

It wasn't until three weeks later that he felt comfortable being in public places after school without either of them bothering him. At school they had become indifferent to Xander, when he was at his locker and they were at theirs they didn't even look at him.

He stood up on the balcony at the bronze watching the dance floor and band. Everyone seemed happy, content, but he knew that they were really just blissfully ignorant. They didn't know the dangers that lurked in the dark, some probably just outside the bronze.

He had gotten what he wanted, he was out of the fight, but he hated that it cost him the two people he was closest to. He had caught glimpses of them, making sure there were no bruises or broken bones. They seemed happy. Actually they seemed perpetually happy. He was glad for it, but he hated it at the same time. Did he mean so little to them? Was his presence really not needed on patrols? Was he really worth nothing to them?

Clouded with thoughts of Buffy and Willow, Xander decided to leave the Bronze, taking the long way home. He needed the fresh air, but more importantly he needed to be away from his parents. His father had made up a cute little nickname for him 'you little nothing,' probably because he couldn't remember Xander's name, while his mother just drank and cried.

That night was cooler than it had been all that week and Xander was thankful for it. Xander, trying not to think, was interrupted by a scream for help.

Without thinking Xander went towards it, he saw someone he knew to be in high school with him (though her name escaped him) being attacked by a vampire. He ran towards them and pulled the vampire off of her.

"Bite someone your own size!"

Xander patted his coat for a stake, then he remembered he didn't bring one, thinking he didn't need one anymore.

The vampire attacked Xander, and as they were pushing and pulling Xander yelled to the girl, "Run, now!"

Awkwardly at first then with great speed she did so, leaving Xander alone with a vampire and nothing to protect him.

Xander and the vampire continued punching and kicking, but soon enough the vampire got the better of him and pinned him down to the ground then punched him soundly on the head. Xander was in a complete daze, yet he did feel the tear of skin, and the cold of the blood leaving his body.

Being drained of life by this vampire felt as if the vampire was draining him of the ability to feel anything. The odd thing was that in a way Xander was relieved. Relieved that he would never have to avoid the people who meant the most to him, relieved that he no longer had to ignore the world falling apart, and relieved that he would stop drowning. Maybe now he could be at peace.

He then heard the voice of the girl he saved, which crushed him; why would she come back?

Then he felt something he didn't expect, the draining feeling was gone, and he coughed the ash of the vampire. He felt warm hands press something to the bite. He knew he was going to faint soon, but he wanted to hold on to ask her why she would come back when the vampire could have killed her too.

Instead he heard the last thing he thought he would.

"Xander!" he heard Buffy's voice as clear as day.

Then without warning he felt consciousness slip away from him.


	2. Chapter 2

Xander's eyes began to open, the room smelled clean, so he was probably not home. A sharp pain in his arm told Xander where he was, the hospital.

"He's waking up."

That was not a voice he wanted to hear.

He knew it was coming before he felt it. The only surprise was that it happened so soon.

He was slapped hard across the cheek.

"Dumbass!" His father then came into focus in front of him, fisting the hand that just slapped him, "Do you realize what you just cost your mother and I with this little trip?"

"Imm surry," Xander said, barely audible.

"Those friends of yours, the ones that found you, refuse to leave until they see you," his father said pacing the room.

"I don't want to see them," Xander said sitting up.

"Oh you're going to see them, moron, just long enough to tell them to leave, then we're going to go home and you are NEVER pulling a stunt like this again. Your mother's been crying for hours because of you."

"I'm so sorry, mom," Xander said, both of them knowing it had nothing to do with his 'stunt.'

His mom nodded then slurred, "Iss okay, Adam..."

Xander had never felt so alone than in that moment.

He smiled sadly, and then tried to brace himself for Buffy and Willow glares. Over the years he had almost become immune to Buffy's glares, but upsetting Willow was something he would never get used to.

His parents left the room and told them to come in, but stayed right outside the door. That was his father's way of letting him know that he was to act like it was all right, and if he didn't something bad would happen to him.

Willow led the pack into the room, followed by Giles, who was followed by Buffy, who looked as if this were the last place she wanted to be. Silence filled the room a long time, no one knowing what to say, or knowing what should be said, but not having the guts to say it.

"Thanks for saving my life," Xander said looking down at the sheets, "Although I think I had him right where I wanted him, but you know, an extra hand didn't hurt."

He looked up to see that apparently not only did his joke bomb, but everyone looked positively stricken by it. Silence again was the only thing in the room; everyone was just in too much pain to say anything.

Finally Buffy said, "I can't do this," and left, Willow watched her and after a few seconds followed her out.

Giles was leaving when Xander said to him, "I'm sorry."

Giles shook his head, "I wish I could believe that."

Xander found himself suddenly very angry, "You have no idea about what's going on with me. You think the funny guy just decided one morning that he was tired of the crime club so then he decides to try his hand at chess? Leave me alone."

And without fighting him, Giles left.

Xander sat in history, not paying attention to the lecture on the New Light Puritans, looking out the window barely thinking about anything. With his hand he pressed down on the bite on his back. It hurt like hell, but for some reason he couldn't stop himself from making it hurt.

Ever since he got back from the hospital he stopped being the funny guy, he could no longer lie like that, and it seemed as if no one really cared if he were funny or not.

The thing that hurt the most when the Scoobies visited him was the fact that they just thought he didn't care anymore. Didn't they know that it would take a lot to get him to leave them without a word? Didn't they understand he was in pain?

Didn't they see him drowning?

"Mr. Harris, would you answer the question?" the teacher asked.

"No," Xander said without hesitation as he turned to the teacher.

She put a hand on her hip, "And why not?"

Xander shrugged, "I don't care."

"Do you want detention?"

"I don't care," he repeated.

The bell rang and students gladly left, but Xander was told to stay.

The teacher then said, "Ms. Summers, do you have a question?"

Xander turned to see Buffy behind him looking like she was thinking about doing something, whether it was to hurt or help him he didn't know.

"Well?" the teacher said impatiently.

Buffy reluctantly left the classroom and the teacher closed and locked the door behind her.

"Alexander, as your teacher I hope you realize that I am someone you can trust, but I know that every teacher that says that never sounds like they really mean it. I know that you and your friends haven't been getting along for a while, what the fight was about I don't know, but that's not my business. You seemed to take it fine, you became a better student because of it so of course it didn't matter to me what happened. But after you saved Ellen you've been so withdrawn... I may not know everything that's going on but I know one thing for sure."

She bent down so that she was eye level to him, "How long has he been hitting you?"

Xander shrugged and before he over analyzed, before he stopped himself, he said, "Forever."

The last bell rang, signaling the end of the day, and Xander stood in the middle of the hallway, not moving, trying to think of what to do with himself. Soon enough the teacher would tell someone, and he would have no home to go to. He didn't realize it at first, but after a few minutes he realized that he wasn't staring at nothing, but at Buffy.

She apparently realized that he was out of his daze, "There was a teacher meeting, Giles heard everything."

"I don't want to talk to you," he said turning away from her, but she wasn't having any of that, she made him turn back.

"Because you're ashamed of what your father did? Is that the reason you stopped talking to us?"

"No, I stopped talking to you because I'm ashamed of something completely different."

Xander decided just then to tell her the truth, and if she knew maybe she'd respect his wishes.

"What is it Xander?"

"I can't handle it, the fighting day after day. You don't understand what it's like to be normal and to face something that you can't possibly beat, to feel so weak for being yourself. Giles was destined to be your watcher, Willow is a powerful witch, you're the Slayer, and I'm nothing. I could never be good enough because I'm... I'm just me. I couldn't fight him, how do I ever stand a chance against the demons? I was happy being just another cog, maybe laughing at the other cogs a bit, but a cog nevertheless. Then you come into my life and as much as I love you and as much I want to help, a cog can't be a hero. It's not my fight, it's yours, and Giles', and Willow's. You're so good at what you do I don't want to hold you back because I'm not smart enough, or strong enough. I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be."

Xander started to leave feeling good that he finally gave her a reason, that she now knew it wasn't because of her he left.

"Cog or no," she yelled after him, "you are a hero." When he turned to her she quickly said, "You're my hero."

"Buff, you don't have to make me feel better."

"I'm not. When you first decided to help me, you know what I thought?"

"What is he doing wearing that shirt?"

"He's either really dumb or really brave. Do you know when Willow started to patrol with me?" Without letting him answer her she said, "When she knew I could handle whatever came up. You patrolled with me day one. You've always fought because it's what's right, and I guess I've come to expect that of you, and I'm sorry I didn't see how hard it was for you. But Xander, I always thought you were strong enough, because I've always thought you were the bravest one of all of us. I know for a fact that if I weren't the slayer, but I knew about vampires, I wouldn't go out looking for them night after night."

She paused then she touched Xander on the arm, "I know for certain that I wouldn't fight one without any protection, just because someone needed help. You can go, and you can never fight another vampire again, but to tell you the truth, I think we are supposed to be friends. I think there's so much in you, but I don't think the powers that be created it. You created your own destiny. I know how much destiny can overwhelm, can make you feel like you can't breathe, but I think we can help each other. That is if you want to try."

She hugged him, and he hugged her back keeping her close to him, so sorry that he had turned his back on her because of his fears and insecurities.

"I'm just not ready, I can't do what needs to be done," he said into her hair.

"I'm not either," he could hear in her voice that she was crying, "but it's who we are. I need you, Xander."

To know that you're needed and loved, it can heal just about anything. He was still scared, and not ready to fight the demons, because he wasn't good enough.

Buffy, Giles, and Willow were in the cemetery on patrol. Giles and Willow were fighting a vampire while Buffy was trying to fight off two. She staked one then fell forward onto the ground, she rolled over and as soon as she did that the second vampire was on top of her. He wasn't there long, in the next second he was dust, but she didn't stake him.

Above her stood Xander pocketing a stake, then offering her a hand up. She didn't need it, but she took it.

"Sorry I'm late, I had to break out of protective services. Did I miss anything?"

Buffy and Willow exchanged looks and Xander rolled his eyes, "If you must."

They both tackled him in a group hug.

After a few minutes when they decided they were done, Xander turned to Giles, "They wanted me to name people who could possibly take me in, and I told them you'd be more than happy to."

"Happy is definitely not the word," Giles said in a depressed tone.

"Does this mean we can have sleepovers at Giles'?" Willow asked.

"Of course," Xander said, "although I must stress clothing is optional."

"Might I remind you all that there is more evil to fight?" Giles adjusted his bent glasses.

"That's why we're here. So who's the big baddy this week?" Xander asked.

They walked off explaining what had happened in the past four days and why the vampires were going to give them more trouble tonight than usual.

Even though he was scared as hell, Xander felt great. He had a purpose. He wasn't destined for it, but he'd make his own destiny.


End file.
